i always wonder.
why are we always so affected by others?
is it the reason that we can't live alone.
is it cos we're made this way, we feel insecure, we feel lonely?
thus we always sought after people's approvals to make ourselves feel that hey we're doing the right thing?
is thinking for yourself sometimes instead of putting others in front of you wrong?
selfishness?
self-centred?

had my third holy communion today.
the intense feelings i felt when i had it the first time seemed mild now.
how?
and i thought wow, it's already march.
what have i done this year up till now?
has it been fulfilling?
has it been happy?
hmm, happy is yet another subjective term.
being happy can be at others' expense.
so is being happy a good or bad thing?
anyway, so has the past two months been fulfilling?
hmm. i don't know.

it just seemed this year started bad.
everything seems out of control.
i don't like it.
but should i be thinking in such a selfcentred way again?
it's always about me me me. me liking. me disliking.
i've been busy that i've drifted from many things.
things neglected. empty promises.
wrong choices maybe?
hah.
what's new.
but what have i been busy with?
i don't even know.

i can see it's going to be a year for me to learn many lessons.
who knows, by the end of the year i'm not who i am now. mundane.
moodless.
drifted.
stressed.
facade.